Sometimes bravery is more about not giving up or giving in when you just want to crawl in a hole and cry than it is about making a choice or decision to take some action. In my past, there have been many times I took the cowardly way and gave up well before I needed to do so. However, I also tend to be tenacious and have had trouble determining which battle to fight the good fight for, sometimes staying in the ring way past the time I should have been doing so.
As I continue along my path as a freelance web developer, the challenges continue to grow me. Do I use this time for billable work? How much should I dedicate to my personal sites and portfolio? Am I charging and billing properly? I am not feeling well, should I press forward and try to get something accomplished or try to rest and be much more productive later? How high a priority is housework? Am I spending too much time researching and learning? What is worth taking time TO learn? Have I got myself in over my head or do I need to be actively seeking more projects?
We are trying to sell our house and downsize from the property we purchased to accommodate my father who passed away last year. The guilt and self-doubt over whether I stood up to my fears and held fast as much as I could have or should have from that experience alone is almost crippling.
My dear husband has put up with all this. As we were discussing what to do now that our income was cut in half when I left my full-time position, his concern was for me: we needed to fit completely under his salary so I would not have to work if I did not desire to. This started a brave plan of action involving several steps I did not have the energy for. Somehow he remained strong enough to support me even as he did so much work on his own.
I try to keep all this in mind as I struggle with the questions noted earlier. On the days I just “don’t feel like…” but there aren’t any true reasons for me NOT to do something through the times I have to choose between competing priorities, is it worth the sacrifice to keep the brave face on?